What is My Problem?

December was a busy month for the author of BlastCranium.

My New Year's resolution is to post more frequently. We will see how long that lasts.

Check out the BlastCranium logo designed by my good friend Todd.

Here is hoping that you all have a great 2009. Please let us all have a good 2009.

Hamster Power!

Do you want to know a great idea for conserving energy? Get little furry animals to provide power.

A London-based consultant has designed a paper shredder that uses no electricity. Instead it taps into a much more eco-friendly source of power, a hamster.

29-year old Tom Ballhatchet is the mastermind behind this creative device. All you need is one hyperactive hamster and some private documents and your are in for some shredding fun.

All this furry little creature has to do is run on a dead sprint for 45 minutes and you can shred one piece of paper.

The best part is that your pet will have some nice soft bedding in his cage after a vigorous workout.

A New Year's Time Waste

Here is a great way to break up the day. www.zefrank.com

This site gives you an online kaleidoscope to tinker with when you are completely bored.

I love interesting new sites that have serve no purpose other than wasting time. Unfortunately, for this site, it takes about 30 seconds to realize that it is not all that fun.

Go check it out and start the New Year by spending quality time on the Internet accomplishing nothing.

Monkey Business (For Real)

I am not sure if this will catch on in the U.S.

The owners of a traditional "sake house" north of Tokyo have employed a pair of Japanese monkeys to wait on their patrons. Check out the video. It is fantastic.

These little guys move around the establishment with great efficiency and seem to have a wonderful rapport with the customers. I am not sure how sanitary this form of food and beverage service is, but they do wear some very charming outfits.

It is just a matter of time before one of these monkeys gets promoted to working the cash register.

Extra Smooth

I have had to call the BlastCranium research team to help me validate this product's worthiness.

The grooming experts at Rolling Razor suggest that their design greatly improves the shaving experience. In addition, the dual head configuration means that blades will last longer.

Here is where my team netted out:

Yes, the dual heads did result in longer life for the blades since we were able to shift from one to the other as we moved across our face.

It dawned on us, though, that when it was time to replace the blades, that we had to buy two. It, therefore, seemed like a bit of a wash.

Similar to the legendary safety lollipop, this handle design didn't really seem to help us shave with any more ease or effectiveness (though it likely reduced the probability of us swallowing the device).

The option to buy our razor in camouflage was a nice bonus.

Everything is Better with Bacon

There is no better way for BlastCranium to stay topical than to blog about iPhone accessories.

Straight out of Germany comes an iPhone accessory with a whole bunch of "sizzle". If you are not a vegetarian, you will love this case that looks like (you guessed it!) bacon.

For those of you who have not latched on to the iPhone craze yet, don't worry, this pork-themed case comes in all different sizes. I am certain you can find a slab of bacon that will properly protect your cellular device.

Stay tuned meat lovers, I have put in a request for a backpack that looks like ten pounds of brisket.

"What"?!

Here is another installment in my series on hilarious blogs. (if you missed my first one, check out my September 9 posting on indexed)

Founder of the "Blog of Unnecessary Quote Marks", Bethany Keeley has a great selection of signs and advertising that horribly misuse this popular form of punctuation.

I have been criticized for overusing parentheses and improperly capitalizing words in the middle of a sentence, so I am laughing with these people.

A Building with a Twist

Here is a perfect entry for a blog that is all about "idea insanity.

Plans are underway, in the international hot spot of Dubai, to build an 80-story skyscraper that literally changes shape at any given moment.

Each floor of this architectural masterpiece will rotate independently enabling the building to always have a unique look. Even better, residences will have a different view of this breathtaking city as the day goes by.

Wind turbines will supply the power necessary to keep things moving and, of course, make the skyscraper energy efficient.

Units will range from $4-$40 million. The only chance I have of spending time in this building is if they hire me to work the valet parking.

Walk This Way?

Some of the greatest engineers in the world work for Japanese auto maker Honda Motor Company. Evidence of their brilliance is the introduction of this new robotics invention.

The wearable robotic walker will revolutionize the workplace for those who are on their feet or in the crouching position for hours at end.

My initial reaction was, "this is fantastic, now I can reduce the horrible stress of walking from my desk to the supply room".

Seriously though, this high tech product is not designed so the average American office worker can get just a tad bit lazier. It is meant for the hard working factory employee, so that they can be more productive and spend less time in physical therapy.

It's somewhat encouraging that Honda is inventing machines that help factory workers instead of replacing them.

I am thinking about buying 20 of these robotic devices and starting my own version of the popular stage show, River Dance.

Portion Crazy

The baking legends at Hostess have finally decided to offer its mega-brand Twinkie in 100-calorie portions.

I am a huge fan of the Twinkie. Like most Americans, I love my snack to consist of a spongy yellow cake filled with delicious whipped fat.

I am not really ready for the Twinkie to be packaged to be in any way nutritious. Let's face it, if counting calories is part of my dietary plan, I don't need to be thinking about Twinkies.

The next time you see me at the Quickie Mart, I will be purchasing all Hostess products at full size. In fact, if you are looking for any additional product extension ideas, please consider offering a foot-long version of the Suzy Q.

Reflect This

The good people at interferenceinc.com provided me with this insane tech marvel. This interactive mirror allows you to be amazingly creative and look at yourself at the same time.

Watch the mirror video for a closer look at how it works.

This cool device looks like a lot of fun, but with my accelerating hair loss and periodic weight gain, I really try to minimize the amount of time spent in front of a mirror.

For all of you beautiful people out there, go get one.

Which One of These People Do Not Belong Here?

Jerry Jones has found a way to raise his stock with the tween female demographic. No, it's not a line of Hannah Montana Cowboy's gear. Actually, it's pretty close.

The massively popular Jonas Brothers will be playing halftime at Texas Stadium during the Thanksgiving game between the Dallas Cowboys versus the Seattle Seahawks.

It would be easy to just start ridiculing this idea, but it is all about raising money for the Salvation Army, so no ripping.

All I can say is that it will be kind of weird inside the stadium during this show. I have been to a lot of NFL games in my life and the percentage of girls 8-14 in the stands is extremely small.

But to Jerry's and the NFL's credit, the big story for this performance is the massive TV audience that will tune in for the popular "boy band". I, on the other hand, have already slated that 20 minute time slot for my other favorite Thanksgiving tradition; pulling all of the Christmas decorations out of the attic.

Slip Sliding Away

Here is the latest wacky invention being pitched by legendary infomercial star Billy Mays.

The Big City Slider

Am I missing something here? Do I really need this contraption to cook hamburgers that are 1/2 the size of normal burgers?

Billy literally hypnotizes millions of people to buy completely unnecessary products. I sat in front of my television last weekend and let him yell at me for 30 minutes about Mighty Putty. Half way through the infomercial, my 9 year-old son brings the phone to me and says; "Dad, we have to get some of that Mighty Putty". I think the main reason my son wanted this product was because he had just smashed something in the other room.

If you really like your miniature hamburgers cooked perfectly, go ahead and grab you one of these. Otherwise, meet me at Chili's.

Blast Into the Past

Special shout out to one of my top advisers, Whitney, for sending in this gem.

This fantastic site allows visitors to upload a head shot and create some hilarious throwback yearbook pictures.

Yes, the picture is me. I actually remember having this popular hair style.

Check out yearbookyourself.com and experiment with your own picture.

Head Games

The brilliant engineers at Emotiv have developed a new video game accessory that will guarantee that the next generation of teenagers are the laziest ever.

This new device will, literally, read our brain waves so that we can control characters on video games without any muscle movement, whatsoever.

Obviously, there are spectacular benefits to this device. Especially for those who do not have the luxury of movements that most of us are fortunate to have. For that reason alone, I applaud the outstanding developers at Emotiv.

For me personally, I am not sure that I want this contraption to get inside my head. My brain is already a mess.

Indiana Jones and the Potato of Doom

We all saw it coming. A big push this Christmas for Indiana Jones toys.

I will be the first to confess that we have purchased the Indiana Jones Lego video games for our two sons. I'm sorry, they are just really fun.

At some point, George Lucas has to see a toy extension from one of his movies and just say, "too much".

One of my favorite movie characters ever (yes, I was a kid when Raiders of the Lost Ark came out) is now a potato.

Stop it. George, you have enough of our money already.

Cosmic Odor?

Space smells like fried steak and hot metal. I'm serious.

NASA has paid a chemist from the British firm Omega Ingredients to recreate the odor for astronaut training.

My understanding is that the Universe is fairly large. Is there a chance that if we get closer to Saturn, that space smell like pot roast and a burning tire?

Can you imagine what was going through the mind of the guy at Omega Ingredients that took the call from NASA? "Let me get this straight, you want us to do what?"

I want to party with the guy at NASA who is in charge of the "Approved" stamp.

Idea Insanity Hall of Fame

From the BlastCranium archives we feature this slice of idea greatness. The sticker placed in upper corner of the driver side windshield that reminds us to change our oil every 3,000 miles.

I am no mechanic. In fact, I am not even sure why my car needs oil in the first place. But, my crack research team has run a series of tests and given me empirical proof that we don't need to change the oil in our car that often.

Bottom line, we only need to change the oil about half as many times as we do. That's OK, we have plenty of oil, right?

More Hall of Fame entries will be featured - stay tuned

Wii Are All Starting to Lose It!

First off, let me go on the record by saying I love my Wii. I spend countless hours playing on this genius video game console with my two sons.

The latest accessory I spotted are these Wii Maracas. Check out this 5 second clip of them in action (look for the video player in the top right corner).

If my kids get a hold of these, my wife will have me sleeping in the shed in the back yard.

To my good friends at Nintendo; keep on coming up with great extensions to your fantastic product. Please just give me some advance warning.

Who Gives a Flip?

Finally, technology has given us a simple and effective way to "shoot" a message to the person driving directly behind us.

This clever device allows us to remotely flip down our rear license plate, revealing some potentially kind words to our fellow motorist.

The best part about this product is that it will bring you even closer to that person coming up from behind. This is because, as they try to read the text underneath your license plate, they will most likely crash into you. Thus, leading to the always enjoyable exchange of car insurance information.

Sure, I would love to tell the guy behind me what is on my mind. I just don't like the potential road rage that could follow. Therefore, I will pass on this product and just rely on the old fashioned way of auto communication - let him drive by me and give them the traditional hand gesture that may apply to the situation.

The Cure for Arm Sweat?

Special thanks to BlastCranium contributor Chris "Candy" Anderson for this item.

Wrist bands are on the move, literally. When I say move, I mean up over the forearm. Pro, College, High School and Youth football players have all bought into this uniform accessory. Let's face it, pushing the wrist band all the way up to the elbow makes it look like you have bulging biceps. Even as I type this post, my bicep bands are producing muscularity I never knew existed.

My crack scientists have assured me that, in fact, my muscles are not bigger and that my sweating problem is getting worse.

Check out the Nike offering of bicep bands. Strangely, they look like ordinary wrist bands.

I think we have found the less permanent version of the popular barbed wire tattoos that were a huge hit with athletes about ten years ago.

Rocket Man

You have to concede to one thing. This guy has some real stones.


Can you imagine ripping through the air, at a few thousand feet, with gallons of jet fuel strapped to your back?


Aside from my two favorite aspects of flying, takeoff and landing, this looks pretty fun!



I give this idea a 4-star rating. If it means we don't have to deal with airports, I am putting in my security deposit for one of these contraptions tomorrow. Just show me where I can put my rolling bag.

Somebody Bail Me Out!

What a wild rollercoaster ride it was on Wall Street this week with Lehman Brothers, AIG, Wachovia and others dropping like rocks.

Well, it's all going to be OK. The American people are going to save all of the banks and brokerage firms from going under.

As the foremost authority on insane ideas, I will confirm that this bailout qualifies.

In all seriousness, it might just work. By this time next year, AIG will be back on its feet and the CEO will be snacking on caviar at his Martha's Vineyard summer home.

Since I'm not a finance wizard, I had the BlastCranium research and development team look up what we were really in for on this bailout plan. After four hours, my team came back with this: "We have no clue."

Actually, they told me that there was one mathematical certainty and that is "Higher Taxes."

I know where there might be some good job openings: The U.S. Treasury, because we're going to have to start printing all of this money we're using for this damage plan.

A final thought: Maybe loaning money to someone who has bad credit, no cash and no job, to purchase a house is a bad idea.

I'm certain that it is.

Bathroom Humor

As you can now see, I am not beneath commenting on the most intimate of consumer products.

Quilted Northern has just released a 3-ply version of their flagship bathroom tissue brand.

They've cleverly decided to use a SOFT SELL to market this product to the American public (I can't take credit for this strategy - took it right out of the article in Brandweek).

After months of extensive analysis, I am speculating that a group of talented scientists came to conclusion that we all want just one more level of cushion.

Continued advancements in bathroom technology is proof that we are truly a sophisticated society. Liquid Prell, Mach Turbo Blades, toothpaste that makes teeth whiter and freshens our breath, soap on a rope, and, finally, softer toilet paper.

We're inching ever closer to the perfect bathroom experience.

Marketing Mayhem

It is time for me to dog pile on the Microsoft commercials. First of all, who under the age of 25 really cares what Jerry Seinfeld has to say? Maybe everyone...or maybe no one.

It appears that they are trying to merge the "something about nothing" format of the show Seinfeld with the quirky styles of the movie Napoleon Dynamite. The result...what the heck is going on here?

The Apple spots are funny and make a very strong point about the product and the personality of the brand. The Microsoft commercials show me what two really rich guys will look like when they hit 50.

Hey Bill and Jerry

In your next spot, please walk me through how to put Windows XP back on my laptop.

Campaign Fun

It could not be avoided. I will be covering as many election related ideas as possible.

Take a look at this masterpiece of merchandising. This action figure of GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin features all of the key accessories including Kazuo Kawasaki eyeglasses, a hockey stick and a hunting rifle.

Let's face it, she is huge. I can't stop watching her on television. Last night, I sat and stared at CNN for 30 minutes waiting for her to get off of the plane in Fairbanks. Get ready America!

Oh, also there are some Sarah Palin branded underwear. Too much?

High Speed Collision

I stumbled across this article. Scientists have been working in Europe for 24 years on this $10 billion project. It is a massive particle collider.

I am not smart enough to accurately describe this engineering breakthrough, but let's give it a shot. This machine, shoots protons through a 17-mile tunnel the size of a fire hose. Super magnets control their path so that they collide, thus giving scientists the ability to understand where all of matter originated (which they say is most likely the Big Bang Theory).

Reading the article made my brain hurt. For those out there who are not astrophysicists, here are some answers to basic questions about dark matter. Proton Collision for Morons .

It's amazing stuff. Now, excuse me while I go home and try to properly set my DVR to record my new favorite game show "Hole in the Wall". We will leave the smart things to do to the scientists.

A Smarter Blog

Check out this blog. Indexed is clever and requires real intellect.

The only other comment is that I hope that BlastCranium can someday offer this level of daily entertainment.

Please come back again.

Shocking Name for OKC

I have pulled this post from the work of a fellow blogger. Here is a great perspective on the chosen nickname of the new NBA franchise in Oklahoma City. Straight in from MillsportBlog - Enjoy.

Pulling a page from the USFL's (or CBA's or XFL's or Arena League's or WNBA's) playbook, the NBA's new franchise in Oklahoma City has selected "Thunder" as its nickname.

Xtreme, Rage, Blitz, Gold, Fire, Burn, Shock, Fever, Thunder -- they all have one thing in common: They're soulless.

The franchise's previous name -- the Seattle SuperSonics -- had personality, style, and a soul. It honored the city's roots as an aerospace hub just as the Packers, Vikings, Oilers, Dolphins, Rockets, Astros, Pistons, and so many other teams have paid tribute to the history and heritage of the cities and regions they call home. These names are distinct, unique, memorable. They're real.

"Thunder" is a generic moniker that's safe. It's also amorphous and generic. And a poor choice for a team trying to create a brand.

"I Am Rich" Screensaver

This genius screen saver application was available on the iTunes store for exactly 2 days before it was pulled. The "I am Rich" screen saver is nothing more than a glowing gem that costs $999.99, which is the maximum an application can be sold for at this online store.

Eight people have already bought it. Let's face it, there are a lot of idiots walking around with an extra thousand bucks to spend.

Designer Armin Heinrich was on to something. I think he could have sold a couple thousand of these and started a community of people who would say; "Look at me. that's right, I bought this thousand dollar screen saver that does nothing. I have enough money to do something stupid; and tomorrow, I will still be rich."

We have not heard the end of this fun phone accessory.

High Tone Dining

Why eat an expensive dinner in a fancy restaurant when you can do it suspended 150 feet in the air?

Dinner in the Sky will raise you and your party up over any number of exotic locations. Look at these guys eating next to Notre Dame Cathedral.

For a mere $25,000, 21 of your closest friends get strapped into these roller coaster style chairs for a 2 hour meal.

I'm doing this. My choice is to hover over the Tiger pit at the San Diego Zoo. How crazy would that be? Me and my buddies feasting on some prime rib while these hungry tigers stare up at us hoping for a cable to snap.

Just one quick note that I am sure everyone asks; Where do I go to the bathroom? It's simple, they just lower you down and you visit the portable restroom. This system could be problematic as me and my buddies are shot-gunning Old Milwaukee long necks. That crane will be going up and down constantly.

I predict great success for these guys. I do wonder, however, what the crane operator is doing during the dinner. He is probably enjoying his Whopper and fries.

Learn from the Legends

I am not a musician, but this is extremely cool.

I Video Songs will teach you how to play any number of legendary tunes. The best part is that the teacher sometimes in the original musician.

I am seriously thinking about learning to play guitar, because Alex Lifeson of Rush is giving an online lesson on how to play The Spirit of Radio.

Check out John Oates. He will teach you how to play "She's Gone".

Basketball Onesy

One of my colleagues brought me this idea. It seemed blog-worthy.

The Australian women's Olympic basketball team came to play in these super-slick uniforms. I'm still trying to figure out how you get into this thing; Is there a zipper on the back?

I actually like this look. It's a basketball singlet.

The opposing teams were not sure whether to post-up or to attempt a single leg takedown.

My only request is that NONE of the men's teams give this look a try in 2012.

Movie Genius

If you take real animals, add some CGI to make their mouths move, and then get some A-list celebrities to do the voice-over :: what do you get? The answer is mucho dinero.

If television commercials have taught us anything (other than the genius of the song "Viva Viagra"), it is that talking animals are hilarious and memorable. Taco Bell, Budweiser, Geico and many others have tapped into this magic.

This one will be great. Beverly Hills Chihuahua is a lock at the box office. It's a classic "fish out of water" storyline.

I am actually working on a screenplay for this movie where monkeys take over Washington, DC. Everything is going great until Congress goes into session and the monkeys start hurling feces at each other. Anyway, I am still working on it.

Go see the chihuahua movie. My prediction - hilarious

Hot Actress Pitching Micro Brew

Dallas-based Stampede Brewing Company is hitching their covered wagon to Hollywood starlet Jessica Simpson. The blond actress/singer/publicity queen will be the face of their Stampede Light Plus brand. Not only will she appear in some store level ads, but she is taking a 15% stake in the company.

Can you imagine her contributions at the quarterly board meetings? That quarterly meeting, by the way, will be held in my garage.

Who knows? Maybe this brand will really take off. After all, it has a neat position in the way-crowded beer category - "beer for active people"

Personally, I prefer my beer to be targeted towards "lazy, sports-watching, girl-chasing, obnoxious people".

Making Work Fun

How about sticking this cool piece of furniture in your home study? The good people at Office Organix have brought us this useful work station, thus ensuring America can hold it's #1 ranking as the fattest country in the world. Do we really need to work lying down? I was researching the accessory options to see if I could order a bedpan to go with this thing. You think this guy is a little nervous that the 1999 Apple Computer breaks out of that strap and crushes his sternum?

Let's face it, there are only a few things we were meant to do in the horizontal position. And making bids on Ebay is not one of the them.

Hot Singer Pitching Flavored Water

Using my PhD in statistics, I was able to isolate the linear correlation between how hot Carrie Underwood is getting and how ridiculous her endorsement deals are becoming. This billboard is genius. Look at the copy; "Carrie Me Home". She might be talking about the bottle of Vitamin Water, or maybe herself. It just works on so many levels. Now I actually am thirsty. Who said advertising is dead?

Whopper of an Idea

So much for eating at Burger King ever again. It's going to be really difficult to not remember this image every time I roll past a BK location.

For those of you who have not seen this story, our buddy Tim, here, decided to bathe himself in the sink at his place of employment - the neighborhood Burger King in Xenia, Ohio.

In an effort to memorialize his jovial behavior, Tim went ahead and videotaped the moment and posted it online.

Sure, it'd be easy to call this guy an idiot, but he's already found himself featured on all of the major news sites. Therefore, he is more famous and, in turn, more important than me. Even money would say he's hosting a reality show on FOX this fall.

Look, he's a 25-year-old struggling musician fighting the good fight as a fast-food restaurant employee. If taking a bath in the sink at work is his ticket to something bigger, then I say good idea.

By the way, a Burger King spokesperson noted that the sink was thoroughly sanitized and is perfectly safe for restaurant use.

Listen, we've all seen the guy in the sink and I'm telling you that some steel wool and Comet cleaner is not going to cut it. Do me a favor: Pull that sink out and bury it somewhere.

Invisibility Cloak

Do we really need our greatest technological advances to be inspired by Harry Potter books?

OK, I will give you the fact that this is a pretty cool invention, but is it a good idea? It just seems that all of the movies that I have watched about an "invisible man" have ended very poorly for those involved.

What are we looking to do with this "cloak"? Besides Chad, the high school senior, who uses it to get into the girl's locker room, this device has bad news written all over it. You can get away with a whole lot of trouble when no one can see you.

I don't like this one. Let's leave invisibility to the wizards. Plus, this girl in the picture is about to be run over by that guy on the bike.

Broadway Brett?

I have held out as long as possible on this whole debacle. As a graduate of Whitefish Bay High School (Northern Suburb of Milwaukee) and the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater, I am a die hard Packers fan.

I was just out of college when Favre took over the starting position in 1992 (my word, that sounds like an eternity ago). I am officially putting a massive failed bit alert on this move. It's likely he still has it, but not for the New York Jets.

This transaction gets my highest bad idea rating (5-Stars). Brett, please forgive me.

Big Foot Sighting

I've found that thin red line between genius and idiocy.

This incredible yard accessory caught my eye as a flipped through a SkyMall catalog on a flight from Dallas to Los Angeles. When I arrived home, I had a strong urge to retreat to my backyard and find the perfect spot for this masterpiece.

Then I realized that putting this statue near the koi pond would result in a very nasty altercation with my wife.

If you go to eBay you can search this item and actually see insane consumers get in a bidding war over this miniature replica of Big Foot.

Bad idea? I'm struggling with this one, even though they seem to be popular in some parts.

The Mars Rover

I'm a fan of space and stars. I also like rockets and telescopes. But come on. The Mars Rover? How does this idea really pay off?

Don't tell me that it will help uncover the mysteries of the universe and solar system. Find me someone that lies awake at night stewing over that question.

The Mars Rover is scraping a giant brown rock for different kinds of dirt. Oh, pardon me, we found some traces of ice and possible signs of life 29 billion years ago.

What are we going to do once we find something spectacular on Mars? Take a picture? Watch some really smart guys at NASA celebrate with wine coolers?

I would rather them build a rover that I can put in my backyard and tell me if there is any crude oil somewhere down there.

Putting a sophisticated machine the size of a Volkswagen on different planets - an incredible technological feat? Yes.

Laying down $800 million to move some rocks around on a different planet? Bad idea.

Cutting it Straight

If you really need to cut something with this much accuracy, you should probably not be doing it by hand. My 7 year-old son can make the paper snow flakes with the $1.99 scissors we bought at Dollar Tree. If your going to put the effort in to build in the infared guidance system, why don't you just have the freaking laser cut the paper?